Title: Not Fear the sky
Author:carnivouroslamb
Pairing: Jeff Hardy/Evan Bourne
Rating:NC-17
Word Count: 20'400
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Media Download: ||12 Songs & Notes (Contains spoilers to the whole story)||
When Evan Bourne first heard he was being traded onto Smackdown he was initially glad, and then he was apprehensive, he talked himself into believing it was a smart move. He knew his draft on Raw wasn't working out, as well as everyone had hoped it would. But he didn't know why he was being moved to Smackdown. He decided complaining and arguing with management wasn't a good idea so he decided to agree with the change. He said his goodbyes to his pals from Raw and took everything in his stride.
A few weeks prior to his Smackdown debut he received the script which informed him that he would have a storyline with Jeff Hardy. Evan wasn't too pleased with the information; everyone knew that Jeff Hardy was a screw-up. He wondered briefly if this was some elaborate scheme to get him off WWE but then he decided that they wouldn't go through all the effort. If they wanted him gone they would just say so. In preparation for their onstage scenes Creative informed Evan that he and Jeff should get better acquainted and learn more about each other. Reluctantly Evan started to hang out with Jeff in the evenings, as per management instructions so they could get a feel of the other's personality and learn how to best feed off each other's energy on stage. Despite his initial dislike of Jeff, Evan begrudgingly admitted to himself that he didn't actually know the guy, he had just heard a few rumors about him. And he, of all people, knew not to judge others based on idle locker room gossip.
Their first evening out, Jeff took him to a steakhouse in St Louis where, according to Jeff, they served the best steak in town. Which was ironic considering that St. Louis was Evan's hometown and Jeff knew all the hotspots better than him. On that particular night, they had steak with beer and Evan spent the better half of the evening watching Jeff lick sticky sauce from his fingers.
The next time they hang out, it was in a noisy tattoo parlour where Jeff got a new tattoo of a Mayan tribal print. Evan asked him what it meant. Jeff said that he'd asked a tour guide that exact same question when he was in South America. The man replied in broken English that there was no simple translation in English and that the closest description was that it meant an energy or lightness, which floats and doesn't fear the sky.
"And that really touched me." Jeff said, staring down at the incomplete tattoo. "So I figure I would have that branded on me forever."
Evan had nodded; it made perfect sense after all it was Jeff's entire gimmick, the fearless, charismatic enigma. When he aired his thoughts with Jeff, he just laughed.
Evan enjoyed the of Jeff's laughter, how it originated from deep down his chest and reverberated outwards, how he threw his head back, flashing perfect white teeth. Evan couldn't help but join in the laughter.
"I don't know about you, but I'm scared of a lot of things," Jeff said still chuckling.
When Evan went to bed that night Jeff's laughter resonated in his mind.
**
The third time they were together they didn't even mention the script or plan how they would act out the dialogue. Jeff took Evan to a sleazy bar, where there were topless girls dancing on poles. There was this runway where the girls did 'fashion shows' in skimpy lingerie. It was Jeff's attempt to get Evan to 'live a little' and despite many protests from Evan, Jeff bought him a lap dance from a petite blonde who had breasts so large Evan wondered how she could possibly stand up straight. Jeff sat and watched and laughed at Evan's obvious discomfort throughout the dance. And later, when they went back to Evan's apartment, amongst bottles of beer and vodka, Jeff brought it up again.
"So you're not into blondes." Jeff asked, a cigarette dangling from his fingers. He was lying on the floor, his head pillowed by stacked cushions. His feet rested on the foot of the sofa. Evan noticed the cracked black nail varnish on Jeff's finger tips, he also noticed the way the smoke escaped from Jeff's lips, and it was almost as if he was breathing in his cigarette like the oxygen in the room. Usually Evan, being a non-smoker, didn't like smokers in his house but he broke his own rule for Jeff. He didn't want to break the easy air between them, the pure simplicity of them just hanging out, having a good time, being guys. So he let Jeff smoke.
"I'm into blonds." Evan replied, with an extra emphasis on blond. He wondered if Jeff picked up the implications of his statement. He was seated on the floor beside Jeff, his feet resting inches away from where Jeff's head was.
"You're gay?" Jeff asked.
"Yes. Does that make a difference?" He wondered if it was the part where Jeff would crinkle his nose and make an excuse and leave. Why should Jeff be any different from the loser jerks he hanged out with in college and which he had briefly considered to be his friends?
"No." Jeff replied and that had been that. They had a few more drinks and Jeff eventually passed on the living room floor. Evan fell asleep shortly after him. When he woke up the next morning Evan started to pick up empty beer bottles strewn every which way. The sight of Jeff sleeping distracted him and he stood for a few moments, bottles in hand, watching Jeff. He didn't like what he felt. Upset with himself he took out the trash.
**
The fourth time Jeff came over to Evan's apartment it was unexpected. He showed up with a brown bag in hand (which contained six-packs of beer and vodka he would find out later) and a promise of good time for all concerned. Evan had nothing planned that evening so he let Jeff in and in no time he was on his way to getting drunk for the first time since he had graduated from college. He shared this with Jeff.
"The last time you got drunk you where still in college?" Jeff asked in a manner that made it sound as if Evan might have said a millennium ago.
Evan nodded, "Yup."
"You haven't gotten drunk in the last couple of New Year's Eve?"
"Yeah, I try to stay sober so I can actually remember it."
Jeff handed him a shot glass. "We seriously need to liven' you up."
And that is how the night had started. Evan wished he could blame it on the alcohol but he knew he hadn't been that drunk. It was something in the way Jeff looked at him when they were sharing the last bottle of beer. Evan took a swipe then he passed it on to Jeff who took a drink and then passed it back to him. Somewhere between all of that, Evan realised that he and Jeff were probably unintentionally swapping spit. The thought made him hard. Jeff passed the bottle and this time their fingers brushed, Evan took it and then took a big gulp, he wondered if he could taste Jeff beneath all the alcohol. He handed it back to Jeff who placed the half empty bottle on the floor. Jeff just looked at him, it was an un-nerving look and Evan felt dizzy and turned on and confused all in one breathe, yet he couldn't look away, he didn't know if it was the alcohol affecting his brain or if it was all Jeff. It had to be Jeff.
Mysterious, interesting, he never said too much but when he did it was enough to make Evan want to know more. How he listened when Evan spoke, his head cocked to the side, nodding. His eyes on him. Jeff's eyes were an amazing green and Evan felt them blaze a path all the way from his sclera to his cock. He didn't know who made the first move, it could have been him, or maybe it was Jeff or maybe they had met somewhere in the middle. However it happened, soon they were kissing, and he tried to remember when the last time he had been kissed like that. Oh yes, it had been a few months ago, at his parent's cabin with Cody. But Cody was no more than a memory now, Jeff was there, and he was kissing Evan. Not languidly like Cody had. Evan felt himself being pushed onto the couch and Jeff was soon on top of him, raising his shirt, exposing his chest to cool air. They didn't do more than thrust against each other and Evan didn't know how long it went on for, them devouring each other's lips, their groins grinding up a
nd down against each other, he didn't care, soon he came in the constraints of his pants and Jeff, with a moan against his lips, coming soon after.
When he awoke the next morning Jeff was gone.
**
He frequently played the scenes in his head, images of Jeff. Jeff smiling, hair streaked purple, cigarette in hand and bruises on his arms. When they were together, eyes closed, pressing hard against each other. Jeff, when he came, mouth slightly agape, moaning, writhing on top of Evan.
It was almost a week before he saw Jeff again. There was a knock on his door, Evan opened it and found a smiling Jeff on the other side.
"You're high." It wasn't a question more like a statement. Evan really didn't know what to feel, anger, confusion or perhaps lust? Maybe the answer was all of the above, he hated MCQs.
"I was high when I met you." Jeff said. He held up a transparent packet containing a white powdery substance. "You want some?"
Evan didn't reply instead he walked back to his living room and sat down. "I'll take the open door as an invitation." He heard Jeff's voice call out. "I'm a vampire I can't enter unless I've been invited."
"Whatever, I invited you in the last time; you should still be able to enter." Evan replied not taking his eyes of the lame talk show he was watching. He didn't even know what Jeff was doing here. If he wanted to get high he could find somewhere else, maybe one of his hanger-ons or some groupie friends' apartments.
Jeff plonked himself on the sofa, The Sofa, the scene of the crime. Evan could barely look at it and there was Jeff sitting on it. Like he didn't know what they had done on it a week ago. Or maybe he just didn't care. Maybe seduction hit and runs were his thing.
"Got any beer?" Jeff asked.
That was all Jeff could say to him after last week. Or maybe this is how people in Jeff's world treat people they had almost had sex with. Evan felt like he had enough of the whole charade. "Jeff, what are you doing here?" he demanded.
The expression that passed briefly on Jeff's face made Evan wonder if perhaps Jeff hadn't paused to ask himself that same question.
"I don't know." Jeff said, "I guess if I'm honest I could say I'm killing loneliness."
"So is that what you doing last week killing loneliness?" Evan asked. The entire thing with Jeff was beginning to make him angry.
Jeff didn't reply, instead he got up to help himself to Evan's beer. When he walked back into the room he was carrying two opened bottles, he handed one to Evan who took it silently. Jeff retrieved the packet he had dangled earlier out of his pocket and cut the white powder into lines on Evan's table. He then rolled a dollar bill and did half a line. He held out the dollar bill to Evan.
Evan looked at him for the longest time wondering why he was so enamoured by Jeff. And with some unspoken agreement he took the dollar bill and dropped to his knees next to the table and took a snort of cocaine. He heard Jeff mutter some encouragement but he couldn't really focus on it. His nostrils were burning and he felt like he might sneeze.
"You okay?" Jeff asked. And all Evan could do was nod.
And then, like before, they were kissing. And it wasn't just a kiss, Evan felt like he was drowning and Jeff was his lifeline. He wanted to suck the very oxygen from Jeff's lungs. The rest of the evening was a blur, he could remember Jeff jerking him off, the coolness of the ring Jeff wore against his cock. He might have gone down on Jeff because when he woke up the next morning he swore he can taste come in his mouth.
**
The few weeks that followed were of Evan playing out his part in the WWE universe. He became two people, Evan the child-friendly, outgoing, up and coming superstar and Evan who did cocaine lines off Jeff Hardy's stomach, chasing it down with shots of tequila, then blending the headiness of the liquor and drugs with the taste of Jeff's come.
That Evan was the hidden side of him, the side that experimented with Jeff on weekends and spent long nights smoking joints and laughing over stupid things. Nights in which they would be at it again, and the thing between them would shift from friendship to something else, and Evan extended their conversations by shoving his hands down the front of Jeff's pants. In those moments when he was blinded by shuddering waves of an orgasm he wondered if maybe if this Evan, the Evan who took drugs and fooled around with Jeff Hardy, who didn't care about pleasing his fans or his parents, was the real Evan. The other Evan, who high-fived ten year olds and was loved for his aerial in-ring manoeuvres, was the fraud.
All he knew was that in those nights, on his knees, sucking Jeff's cock, on his knees, on his back, watching Jeff snort coke off him. It all equated to the same thing and he set himself adrift. Those nights he was lost.
But on those same nights, he found himself.
**
Jeff never fucked him. Once Evan had been lying on the couch, buzzing from the cocktail of lines, pills and dope he and Jeff had gone through. He didn't even know what kind of drugs he had taken. He and Jeff had been kissing moments before when Jeff had reached into his pocket pulled a pill out. He placed on his tongue. He then stuck out his tongue, offering it to Evan, who had kissed him. Evan had tasted the acridness of the pill. He was beyond questioning what it was, or what he it would do to him.
Evan had wondered if his extracurricular activities were affecting his performance at work. He knew he should have been worried about random drug testing but right now he didn't care. As he rolled over he fell onto the floor while trying to reach for a can of beer. He chose to just lay there on his stomach; Jeff had walked in and laughed at him. Then Jeff had proceeded to crawl on top of him. It was then, when the feel of Jeff's body against him reminding of certain longing, a distant memory that he just blurted it out.
"Fuck me."
Jeff rolled off him immediately and Evan realised somewhere in his fogged up, drugged up brain that he had made some type of faux pas.
"I want you to fuck me," Evan repeated rolling over to his back so he could be able to look at Jeff. He knew he shouldn't have pressed the issue but he couldn't stop himself. Jeff's face was guarded, a look Evan hadn't seen for a long time-not since they had started fooling around together. Strands of hair were fall onto Jeff's face, Evan wanted to reach over and push them away. He didn't.
"Evan, I won't fuck you." Jeff said, sitting down on the couch. He didn't meet Evan's eyes when he spoke and this propelled Evan to push just a little bit further.
"Why?" Evan asked.
"I'm not gay." Jeff replied. He didn't say it but there was a certain edge in his voice, like you. Jeff wasn't gay like him. That was the implication.
"Then why-" Evan began only to be cut off by Jeff.
"Evan, can you just drop it?" He insisted. Evan did not answer, ignoring any hurt that threatened to rise and he never brought the issue up again.
**
It was in the moment when Jeff had just come, when his guard was down, when he was temporarily disposed of whatever demons that haunted him. His hair softly matted against his scalp, his lashes casting spiky shadows on his cheekbones and his face relaxed. That Evan felt that maybe that this was more than them killing loneliness together in reckless abandonment. Maybe this meant more to Jeff than them needing a sexual outlet or a place to get high. The desire between them ran so deep, desire that was bound to devour their souls. In those moments when Jeff would allow Evan to hold him, for a moment, a second, maybe less than that that it felt like an eternity to Evan. Jeff had joked once that he was a vampire. Maybe he was, sucking the dying days of Evan's youth and with every kiss, every black varnish caress, Evan was getting older and Jeff was getting younger. It was in those moments he felt he couldn't let Jeff go, and all those days he lived without Jeff had been barren and bloodless. The nights when they f
easted upon each other's bodies were all that was worth living for. Without them, without Jeff-a thought so dire he felt instantly bereft he didn't complete it. Instead he clung onto Jeff, still here, still wanting, still in his arms.
And for that moment it was enough.
Jeff woke up, looked around and said, "Fuck."
He was late and he knew it even before he even opened his eyes and glanced at the alarm clock. The same alarm clock that was gift from his brother, who had said when he handed it to him, "Now you don't ever have an excuse for being late." Jeff slowly got out bed wincing when pain shot up his side. His match with Adam had really fucked him up. He hated being in pain, hated having aches like some geriatric old timer in an old age home.
But somehow he always found himself in yet another ladder match, yet another TLC match. Deep down somewhere he must actually like the agony of his job occupation.
He decided that the pain was too much so he lit a cigarette and got back to bed, smoking and staring at the ceiling. His dad would have to wait, besides if he had learnt anything over the years it was that he couldn't count on his son. He didn't understand why they had to make a big deal over this day. His mom had died over twenty years ago yet they still had to make a pilgrimage to her grave on her birthday to leave flowers that would wither and die in matter of days. No thanks, Matt and his dad could just go there without him this time. He took another drag of the cigarette letting the smoke sink deep into his lungs while wondering briefly if his lungs looked like those black tar sponges in anti-smoking ads and if they did he didn't give a fuck. Everybody was going to die and if his demise was brought about by smoking, so be it. He barely gave a fuck about anything these days. He wondered why he hadn't broken his back or neck when he jumped from yet another two story ladder. It was bound to happen, right? B
ut somehow he was always okay, he kept beating the odds. Sometimes when he jumped he wondered if this would be his last dive, if this was his swan song to his wrestling career but it never was. He always lived to jump another day. Maybe one day, if they ever toured San Francisco, he could do a Swanton Bomb off the Golden Gate Bridge. Yeah, that would catch everyone's attention. Go out in style. The ultimate fuck you.
The phone rang; Jeff ignored it letting the answering machine get it. It was Matt, asking him if he was coming then saying that their Dad was wondering where he was. He got up and deleted the message. The phone rang, again. Jeff went to the kitchen and made himself a sandwich. It was Evan, calling to ask if he would be in Missouri anytime soon and if so he should let him know. Jeff ate his sandwich and wondered what the fuck he was doing with Evan. That line he had told him about killing loneliness was nothing but shit he had made up on the spot. He had millions of people who die for him to even look at them just once. He was like a God to them. Girls who sent him pictures of their pussies, kids who screamed when they saw him, begging to take a picture with them, guys, some even older than him, who approached him and told him he was their hero. He wasn't short of friends either. He didn't need to be around Evan. He wasn't even certain if he liked him. There was something about him that had pissed Jeff off fro
m the very beginning; it was only in their second hang out session that he had finally put a finger into what it was.
Evan was perfect. He had this sunny disposition that made him want to heave buckets. With his earnest brown eyes, his friendly smile so eager to be liked, to do his utmost best, a Boy Scout all grown up. He reminded Jeff of those guys he knew in high school, whose parents drove beamers and who had white fluorides smiles, the right clothes, listened to the same lame rock, who thought smoking weed in their pickups was the most scandalous thing ever. He hated those guys then, he hated those guys now. Ironically those guys were probably the men he now saw in every city, every arena. They came to matches with their friends or kids. They watched the matches, their eyes with the same far away wistful look. They all thought he was a living the dream.
He wasn't, but Evan was. All little Evan ever wanted was to be a wrestler. Jeff had had the same dream but somehow it poisoned him and now he wasn't sure if his dream was what he wanted. Evan was pure as porcelain, and he wanted to take a hammer and break him to a thousand, no millions, of pieces. Watching Evan drink, watching him choking on the acridness of joint, snorting up lines of cocaine. Watching Evan slowly submit to a life so far removed from his own was fascinating. He loved watching Evan slowly become corrupt, to become less like Evan Bourne and more into a creature of his own creation. Evan wanted him to fuck him, but God he was fucking him in ways that Evan couldn't even begin to imagine.
He wondered if Evan was in love with him. He probably thought he was, they all thought they were. But if they really saw him, the devil lying low underground, twisting a vine around his arm, a grip on his neck, they would not think so. They couldn't see his venomous blood, the scars etched within his soul. They thought he lived for the moment what they didn't realize was that he told himself that every day he lived was one day less of his life. They couldn't see it. But Jeff knew it all too well.
He was poison.
**
He didn't see Evan for another month and throughout the entire time Evan continued to e-mail and call him. Each time with the same, sad, oh so sad question, 'What did I do wrong?' Jeff didn't reply to either his calls or his emails. Evan was a passing phase. He spent the duration of his leave smoking weed, practicing with his band and hanging out by the pool getting fried by the sun.
The month passed quickly and soon he was back at work. The script called for him and Evan to have yet another stupid feud, Jeff briefly wondered why the writers bothered, most of the fans didn't seem interested in seeing him in a feud with Evan and the first time they launched the feud it had crashed and burned. He had hoped he wouldn't have to see Evan except in passing. Maybe he should broach it to one of the senior writers that he should continue his feud with Phil, everyone thought that had been very successful and ratings for the Night of Champions pay-per view had been phenomenal.
The arena driver picked him up from airport and dropped him at the venue. Jeff spent most of the drive drinking vodka from a flask. He didn't think he could go through his first day back sober. He arrived at the venue and some assistant showed him to the locker room. He shouldn't have been surprised to find Evan waiting for him there, but he was. The smile Evan had on his face immediately disappeared when he saw Jeff.
"You're drunk." There was an edge of disappointment.
"Is that all you have to say after all these weeks." Jeff said, "how about you give me a hug." He spread his arms open. Evan side stepped him and closed the door.
Jeff turned around smiling, "What? You want to blow me?"
"Jeff, how could you show up drunk? You're competing tonight, for the first time in months. What are you thinking?"
Jeff shrugged and took a seat in front of his dressing table, "Maybe I'm not thinking at all…" He wondered why Evan was even glad to see him when he should've been angry for being ignored for the last month. Evan paced the room obviously trying to think of something.
"You have about six hours before we start," Evan began, "I'll make you a cup of strong coffee. Have you had anything to eat yet?"
Jeff shook his head, "I'm not hungry."
Evan frowned. "I'll order you something from catering." He began to walk to the door, then paused, came back and started to pat down Jeff down.
"I knew you wanted to get down," Jeff said smiling. Yet again Evan ignored him. He started to open Jeff's gym bag. "What are you doing?"
"I'm getting rid of your stash." Evan found Jeff's flask, he opened some zippers and removed a bottle of pills. He read the label, "I'm pretty certain you're not Alice Mason." He took the prescription pills.
Jeff didn't try to stop him, if Evan wanted to play all the roles in the Jeff Hardy Intervention, he was welcome to it. Jeff was the first to admit he had in times over done the booze but he didn't let it control him. Whenever he felt like it was getting out of hand he would cut back, and when he pushed the envelope a little too much he always healed himself. He had never been in a twelve-step program in his life. He never would.
Evan made his way to the door. "I'll get your lunch," were his last words before he left the room.
**
Evan should have been proud of himself because later that night Jeff got into the ring no one would have guessed that he had been drinking earlier that day. After the show he and Evan jerked off together in an empty locker room, their forwards pressed together, their breaths mingling, and the familiarity of Evan's scent so strong on Jeff's nostrils.
Most of the face paint he wore in the ring had sweated off. What little of it that remained, transferred onto Evan, smudging between their faces. If he ever needed evidence that he was marring Evan. This was it. his clear skin became tainted by the dark grey paint, it streaked across Evan's face like a disfiguring blemish. His halo became dimmer with each passing day and he became less of himself. Jeff could see it and he let it happen.
If Jeff was a disease he would be contagious.
Later in his hotel room, he did a line of coke, showered, thought about Evan and masturbated.
**
Jeff sometimes liked to step inside the ring when the arena was empty apart from the construction guys who were setting it up for a show later on that night. He found it hard to believe in those times that the it would be filled to capacity in just a few hours, an endless panorama of people chanting 'Hardy, Hardy, Hardy.'
Different cities, different night skies, yet it all remained the same. The only thing that seemed to change, that moved and shifted like the continents floating apart all those thousand years ago was him. He didn't live for his job anymore.
They were in California again and the sun was too bright. Everyone looked so beautiful, like extras in a Hollywood blockbuster, their teeth uber white, hair extra shiny. Jeff thought California was perhaps his least favourite city. It was too hot, and he felt like Death trying to take a holiday. Maybe he really was a vampire, lying in his tomb, all of this, wrestling, touring, a dream brought about by a lack of fresh blood. Everything withered and died in the sun. I lost my soul in Hollywood. Some song, maybe he could try to find his in California.
Evan, of course, thrived in the Californian heat. Beads of moisture collected on his forehead giving him a healthy glow. Even after a five hour flight and long bus ride he would to look so clean and fresh. Upon arrival he had managed to get a room across from Jeff and a few minutes after they had checked in, he knocked on his door. He had just started to unpack, throwing his clothes every which way, trying to find stuff he actually needed, so he felt slightly pissed off by the intrusion.
"Yes," he said as he opened the door.
Evan smiled, "I just received the latest Smackdown Vs Raw game, I wondered if we could check it out. Together." He held up the cases in manner Jeff presumed he used to hold up his hall pass when a monitor would ask for it.
"I'm not much of a gamer." Jeff said. Leaving the door open he sat down on his bed and watched Evan glance around the messy hotel room.
"I thought trashing hotel rooms was an activity reserved for rock stars and emaciated former child stars turned pseudo lesbians." Evan said.
"I'm kinda like a rock star," Jeff said while getting up from the bed. Evan laughed his smile slowly fading when he noticed the half empty bottle of Vodka and prescription pills on the floor.
"Jeff, I thought we agreed you would take it easy for Summer Slam."
Jeff stooped down to pick up the bottle. "This is me taking it easy." He took a swing and offered it to him.
"No, thanks." He said, "Jeff, come on, you know they are stricter about the drug testing around this time of the year with people wanting to have the competitive edge. Hand me the bottle."
"No." Jeff said. He couldn't care less about the Pay-per view or the fans.
"Jeff, come on-" Evan began only to be cut off by him.
"No, you come on. I don't need you nagging me."
There was a knock on the door. Jeff raised his eyebrows to Evan, lowering his voice to ask him if he had invited anyone else. Evan shook his head. He closed the bottle of vodka and rolled it under his hotel bed, he hid the pills in his bag then he went to open the door. It was Matt.
Great.
"Hey, Jeff why haven't you been answering my calls?" Matt let himself in and saw Evan. "I didn't know you had company. Hey, Evan."
"Hi Matt," Evan said.
They stood in awkward silence for a moment, with Matt probably wondering why he was hanging with Evan. Jeff thought if Matt ever got an answer to that question he should share it with him. It wasn't all about corrupting Evan, the kid was indestructible. He had a better chance of bankrupting Wall Street or demolishing the Great Wall of China.
"Do you want something, Matt?" Jeff asked.
"I need to talk to you," Matt glanced at Evan, "in private."
Evan nodded and started to leave. Jeff stopped him. "I don't feel like talking to you."
"I'm leaving." And with that Evan left the room.
"What is up with you and Bourne?" Matt asked almost immediately after he had closed the door.
"We're friends," Jeff replied.
"Beth wants to know why you broke up with her again." Matt said. "She's been calling me and the guys. But we've barely heard from you in the last couple of months. What's going on? Is it drugs? You're back on drugs again."
Jeff rolled his eyes; Matt could spare him the big brother routine and the concern. He didn't need it right now. Matt always acted as if every single problem he ever faced was a result of him taking drugs. He walked to the door and opened it, "I don't need this. Get out."
Matt approached him, "At least call Beth and tell her why you broke it off. How can you treat someone you've been with it for ten years like this?"
Jeff ignored Matt, shoving him out the door and slamming it behind him. He didn't need this right now, didn't need to think about Beth and her forlorn pleas, 'Why can't you love me like I love you?' He didn't need to think about Evan and didn't need to think about his match.
He didn't need to think at all.
He rummaged for the pills took one, washed it down with vodka. Thought about it and took another. He fell asleep immediately after and it was a dreamless sleep.
Different city, different people. Same old Jeff.
**
The next morning he woke up to the phone ringing, it was Edward the resident doctor calling to say he needed to see him in the lobby immediately. Jeff dragged himself out of bed, got his room card and opened the door to see Evan also opening his door. He didn't look happy.
"They also called you?" Evan asked.
"Yes," He replied as they began to make their way to the elevator.
"They're drug testing. Did you take anything recently?"
Jeff nodded. Fuck. They came to a stop at the elevator.
"Jeff you've already had two strikes." Evan ran a rough hand through his hair. "You can't fail this test."
"Well, I will."
"Okay, let's think. We can beat this." The elevator opened and they stepped inside. "Jeff, I'll help you."
"You can't help me, Evan." Jeff said, "No one can help me, I've fucked up badly."
"They'll ban you from wrestling." He said, turning to face Jeff. The elevator was on the 16th Floor. "I'll never see you."
Jeff laughed wryly, "You hardly ever see me already."
Evan grabbed Jeff and kissed him, pressing him against the back wall of the elevator. "Jeff, Oh my God, Jeff" he whispered against his ear.
10th Floor.
"Evan-"
Evan cut him off with a kiss, pushing his lips hard against his, the kiss so brutal he felt maybe it could have drawn blood. Evan's hands pressed against his chest.
8th Floor.
Jeff felt Evan's hands travel further down, groping his dick through the denim material. They couldn't do this now, not here. He pulled away, but Evan was a man on a mission, he was trying to shove his hands down Jeff's jeans. The buckle got in the way.
"Evan, stop." Jeff said, Evan didn't respond, he was breathing harshly, fumbling at Jeff's buckle
4th Floor.
"Stop." Jeff shoved Evan away from him. Whatever trance that had overcome Evan left him.
"I'll be okay." Jeff said, "Don't feel bad for me. I fucked up, I got caught out."
Ground floor. The elevator buzzed and opened. Jeff walked out ahead of Evan. He saw Phil dressed in a tracksuit waiting at the lobby. He saw them approaching and smiled.
"Hardy, it figures. Bourne, I can't understand." Phil said, "I don't know how many times they need to test me before they realise I'll never fail a test."
Jeff ignored him, Phil was drug-free, and they got it. He didn't need to remind them all the fucking time. Asshole.
They walked to where Edward was standing.
"What's this about man?" Jeff asked.
"You know the drill, Hardy." Edward said. He was wearing a tightly fitting shirt that showcased what Jeff called horse muscle. He thought perhaps Edward should be the one being tested for contraband. He looked like the pin-up boy for steroids.
"Dr Perry is waiting for you on the medic tour bus." Edward said smiling a too-white smile. "Bourne, go with him, you're next."
Jeff walked towards the lot where the busses were parked. Evan followed closely behind him. They approached the medic bus and climbed in. Some vaguely familiar looking guy greeted them and handed them the sample testing-cups. Jeff finally placed him as the guy who gave them the 'Wellness Program' talk when the company first launched it. It was around the time when he was on those pills; he barely remembered what happened during that time or the events that lead to him failing his first drug test.
"We need your urine." Dr Perry said then pointed to a closed off, curtained area. "You can go there."
Jeff and Evan took the cups. Jeff went behind the curtain, unzipped his pants and pissed into the cup. When he was done he zipped up and opened the curtain. Evan was done as well and was anxiously looking at the guy who had his back to them at the moment. He grabbed Jeff's cup and handed him his own cup.
Jeff shook his head. Evan's eyes pleaded with him. He succumbed and took the cup from his, the medic guy turned around
"You're done. I'll take those from you." He took the cup from Jeff and marked it Hardy J. and the cup from Evan, and marked it Bourne E. "Thanks for your cooperation." He handed them sanitizing clothes to wipe their hands. Jeff and Evan grabbed them and exited the medic bus.
"Shit, Evan. Why did you go and do that for?" Jeff asked as soon as they were a safe distance from the bus. He was wiping his hands, upset he threw the clothe away.
"Jeff you know why I did it." Evan said. "I've never failed a drug test; I have two more shots before I'm banned from the WWE. This was your last chance."
Jeff looked at Evan. He reached out and placing his hand on Evan's shoulder. "You'd fuck up your career for me?"
Evan shoulder trembled beneath his hand. Jeff didn't care who might be around in the lot so early in the morning, raising his hands and placing his index finger to his lips. Evan opened his mouth; Jeff pressed his finger inside them inside, feeling the wet warmth of his mouth.
"Jeff, I'd do whole lot more for you."
Somehow Jeff knew Evan meant it.
**
If someone were to ask him how he really felt about Jeff Hardy, Evan wasn't sure if he could give them a quick answer. He wasn't even sure if he could even give himself a straight answer, so he didn't like to think about it too much.
When the drug test came back, he received the call that he had tested positive for marijuana, cocaine and whole other cocktail of substances that were considered illegal. Evan answered yes he understand what that meant and that he was sorry for using the drugs and that he accepted his three month suspension. News got around fast and he was inundated with calls from the guys, all appropriately concerned, declaring that they would never had guessed in a thousand years that he would get caught up in the fast life and that they all had his back.
Evan yanked his phone from the cord, switched his cell phone off and screened his e-mails. He was only going to accept e-mails from his parents, his sister, manager and Jeff. He received emails from all of the above except Jeff. He couldn't say he was surprised. Well, he shouldn't have been anyway. Didn't Jeff disappear from his life for an entire month with little explanation? Yes he had. Why should it be any different now? So what if he took a bullet for him. Had he expected Jeff to fall down to his knees and declare his undying love for him? No, this wasn't some cheap paperback novel where the sweet virgin bagged the dashing, millionaire playboy.
Yet it didn't hurt any less. He thought about how easy it would be to call Jeff. To pick up his cell phone and dial the numbers that he was still too embarrassed to admit that he knew by heart. Or maybe he could catch a plane to whatever city or country the WWE was currently touring and see Jeff in person.
No, No, No. He wouldn't do that. If Jeff wanted to see him he would have to make the first move. Judging from his past behaviour, it meant no move at all. So is this how it would all end? Would the last time they would ever be together be in some Californian hotel?
Evan closed his eyes, the memories of what had transpired, in the dim light of those four walls came back to him now. Thinking back to that day still gave him a hard-on. It had been the first time they had been on an actual bed all those times they had fooled around in his apartment; they had always been in the living room, on the couch, sometimes on the floor. Once Evan had blown Jeff in the kitchen, on his knees, the cold marble tiles biting into his flesh, so cold and unforgiving, hurting him, yet he hadn't cared, he just wanted to take as much of Jeff as he could into his mouth. Wanted to feel Jeff's dick fill his mouth, to push down until his nose would brush the fine blond hair that grew at the base of Jeff's cock.
That day, in the hotel room, he found himself completely naked with Jeff, able to explore the endless bounds of each other's bodies. The drawn drapes providing certain a darkness that unleashed Evan to push Jeff more than he had ever before. He pushed himself on top of Jeff, slowly kissing his way down his stomach, pausing to nip and bite; he licked a trail past Jeff's navel until he went further down. Jeff had stopped him, flipping him over until he was on top. He had looked down at Evan with a dark hungry look that and made him shiver. Evan had wanted to lose any ounce of self-control that he had left and beg Jeff to fuck him then and there, to possess him. In that moment, Evan would have easily sold his soul one dollar at a time to feel Jeff inside him, to feel that burn, that familiar pain that seared and cascaded within him, that eventually become pleasure. He wanted to lose himself in their fucking, to bite at Jeff, to scream at him for being so fucked up, for have created this situation, this dilemma,
that they couldn't escape.
Yet he had done none of that. When Jeff's lips closed over his dick he realised that this was the first time they had been together with both of them completely sober and not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He wondered whether it meant something that Jeff hadn't needed to numb himself first. He had for the longest time been afraid that the only time Jeff could ever allow himself to be with him was when he was under the influence of something. Maybe it was a triumph of sorts. A sign that maybe Jeff finally recognised them for what they were.
Later they had laid facing. Not saying anything just staring at each other, the sound of midday traffic, faint in the distance, and the slight hum of the AC unit filling the room. Evan wished that they could stay like that for a little. But then Jeff got up off the bed and lit a cigarette. With a flicker of a flame whatever had existed between them, what little that Jeff had allowed him to glimpse, was extinguished, and snuffed out of existence.
If Jeff heard one more so-called Superstar mutter something like 'Who would have guessed? Bourne's a juicer.' Or something like 'I heard he sold all his stuff to buy more meth.' Or maybe 'It's always the quiet ones,' he would explode. Someone had actually gone through all the trouble to graffiti 'Natural Bourne Loser' on Evan's poster on the tour bus.
People failed drug tests all the time he didn't understand why everyone had developed this sudden interest in Evan. He knew it was probably because no one could ever have thought that Evan Bourne would ever get caught up in a drug scandal, that someone so likable was involved in something so seedy that made it all the more intriguing. He wondered if maybe he should give Evan a call, to see how he was doing. He managed to talk himself out of it; he didn't need to see him. They had said their goodbyes in California. There was nothing left to say.
He arrived at the arena much earlier than he was required to. They were in Toronto and it was so achingly cold he felt numb to his core. He liked to have whisky on such occasions but with the Wellness Watchdogs ever present he didn't indulge. Instead he had a cup of coffee and waited patiently for Sherry to paint his face. He was reading a magazine seated in front of the dressing room mirror when there was a knock on the door.
"Hey, Jeff," Matt said when he entered. He looked around the room. Jeff mumbled his greeting and continued to read the magazine. Whatever Matt had to say it probably wasn't important, all he ever did these days was lecture him.
"I'm really glad you passed the test." Matt said, taking a seat opposite Jeff. "I don't know how you did it, since I know for a fact that you were stoned out of our mind just one day before the test."
Jeff looked up from his magazine, "You must have got it wrong."
Matt reached over and smacked the magazine from his hands, "Stop lying to me. I saw you the day before. You were on something; you may fool other people but not me. I know when you are high, just like I know you are lying to me right now." Matt leaned closer to him, "So I'll ask you, how did you pass the test?"
"Matt, regardless what you may think of me could you please just grant me some courtesy of respect." Jeff got up and walked to his bag. He took a cigarette and lit it. "I want you to leave."
Matt followed him, "Jeff, I will get to the bottom of how you manage to swindle the drug test results and that's a promise."
**
After the show Jeff returned to his hotel room. He was feeling restless; some of the guys had invited him to join them on a night out in the town. He declined; he wasn't in a 'check out the local honeys' mood. He threw his body in bed the instant he could. Reaching into his pocket he pulled his cell phone out, again he considered calling Evan.
He knew he was messed up. He didn't need therapy to figure that out. He might as well be wearing concrete shoes, for every step felt like a tiresome effort. Why did he even bother anymore? Things were over between him and Beth, Matt was being pigheaded and Evan didn't care anymore. He had finally seen just how fucked up Jeff really was and had decided that he wasn't worth all that effort.
He threw his cell phone at the wall.
Evan was right.
When Evan heard a knock at his door a part of him wished it was Jeff. He got up to answer to find Cody standing there looking very apologetic.
"I should have called," Cody began, "I was afraid you wouldn't take my call."
Evan opened the door wide, "I'll always take your call."
Cody smiled as he entered. He stood awkwardly as if waiting for Evan to invite him further. Evan indicated to Cody to follow him.
"Do you want something to drink?" He asked. Something clouded in Cody's eyes. "Contrary to popular belief, I'm not some alcoholic."
Cody shook his, "It's not that. I'm competing this week so I trying to keep my diet clean. I'll have some water. "
Evan went to the kitchen to get two bottles of water. When he had retrieved them from the fridge he returned to find Cody looking at his family pictures on the wall. He handed him the bottle of water.\ and opened his own and took a sip. Then stood they in an awkward silence. Or rather Cody stood in an awkward silence; Evan took a seat, sipping at his water wondering where all of this was heading to. He also wondered if Cody still had whatever he had going on six months ago with Randy. Over the last couple of months Evan had been too preoccupied with Jeff to even stop and think about Cody. Once he had felt that there might be something between him and Cody but all of that had been shattered when Cody called Randy's name while they were having sex. That certainly shattered any musings from Evan's side of any relationship with Cody. He'd been angry at Cody for the longest time but now he found any feelings of animosity he had left were completely almost gone. Cody had a tough enough time already making his (shou
ld Evan dare call it a relationship?) thing with Randy work.
Yet he couldn't resist, "How's Randy?"
Cody sort of shifted on his feet. Evan stifled the urge to smile. What could he say, misery loves company. "He's okay." He added.
"Still married?" Evan asked.
"Still married." Cody replied, "I didn't come over here to discuss Randy. I wanted to see how you were."
"I'm excellent," Evan said with too much emphasis, "You've now seen how I am. Your mission has been achieved. You can leave."
"Evan, if you were having a tough time you could have called me at anytime"
"I wasn't having a tough time."
"Everyone knows about the drug test," Cody said as he approached him. "You can be honest with me."
"So you can feel my pain?" Evan asked, "You can make it all better?"
Cody shook his head, "You don't even sound like yourself. What happened, Evan?"
Evan rolled his eyes. "Nothing happened."
"I should have kept contact with you after we…" Cody said, paused. He reached over for Evan's hand, his blue eyes brimming with whole hearted earnestness. "At the time, I thought staying out of touch was the best idea. But now I see I was wrong."
"Let me get this right, so according to you, my testing positive for a drug test is a result of me being rejected by you?" Evan said, "Now I see why you and Randy get on so well, you're both so conceited. You belong together."
"Evan, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. You have to know I never meant for any of this to happen."
Evan rolled his eyes, poor little Cody, so hung on the idea that all of this was his fault. "Cody, you didn't matter enough to hurt me." The words were harsh and he regretted them the instant they left his lips, he saw the hurt momentarily pass on Cody's face but Evan didn't take them back, didn't falter.
"I think I'll leave now," Cody placed the water bottle on Evan's table top, "I'll be in town for a few more days if you want to talk."
After Cody left, Evan paced the room overcome with frantic restless energy. He just wanted Jeff to call, to tell him that he mattered. That he had always mattered. He punched the wall.
There was a saying that all roads lead to Rome. Jeff now believed that all roads lead to self-destruction, in his part anyway. They were touring Las Vegas, doing tapings of Smackdown and house shows, working almost every day it was frantic and everyone was excited. Las Vegas was everyone's favourite city apart from their own home towns. The WWE superstars spent the days gambling and boozing up with the local talent then after a show they hit the town scrawling the strip joints.
Jeff dragged himself along. But in the midst of another peep show, with the guys howling around him as topless girls made out with each other then they twirled around a pole. It was if he wasn't there because all he could think about was the time he took Evan to get a lap dance. The expression on Evan's face had been priceless as he tried to dodge the roaming hands of whatever her name was. He was thinking about him a lot these days sometimes telling himself that had to be on account of the fact he wasn't drinking anymore. Not because of the Wellness program restrictions, but rather because he wanted to be sober. He was sick and tired of waking up in strange places with beer bottles and empty pills not knowing where he was and how he got there. Evan had done something that no else had ever done. Ever since his mother had died Jeff always felt he wasn't a priority in anyone's life. Sure his dad loved him and raised him the best he could, but he always cared just a little bit more about Matt, his first born.
Matt had always viewed Jeff as competition, always vying for their father's attention. They were always vying for the same girls and then same career. He never cared for Jeff for what he was: a brother. He never really appreciated Jeff. Unlike Evan who sacrificed his career for him. Jeff got up.
"Hardy, you're leaving already?" Mike said, "We're about to get the party started."
Jeff shrugged and made his way out. What did it matter to him or any of the guys here? They didn't care about him, they weren't his friends.
He reached for his cell phone. He dialled a number and when a female voice answered he spoke, "Hi, I'd like to book the first flight headed out to St Louis, Missouri."
And this was the right way; this road would lead him back to the place where he belonged.
**
Cody was sitting in a rental car outside the Bed and Breakfast he was staying at. Contrary to what Evan might believe, he really was in town just to see him. Randy was in Las Vegas with the rest of the production team. He had seen it in his eyes the minute he had said that he had go to see Evan. Randy tried so hard to act as if their relationship was incidental built on need and sexual attraction, but Cody knew that it was more than that. After what they had been through in the past year it surprised him that they were still together. In those lazy Sunday mornings when they had nothing better to do but lounge naked in bed together reading the paper, talking about whatever was on their minds, languishing in a sexual nirvana. They never talked about Samantha, sometimes Randy would mention her in passing and then his jaw would flex as he tried to make his way through the emotional minefield that her name conjured up.
Sometimes Randy brought Alana with him to see Cody and they would play with her, watching Randy carrying his daughter, the gentleness that he exhibited when he was with her would make Cody's throat hitch and his chest tighten. Those afternoons when he spent with Alana playing with play dough and colouring in made Cody feel guiltier than the nights he spent fucking Randy. That somehow playing house with Samantha's daughter was more of a betrayal than the sex he had with her husband. Once she invited him over for Alana's birthday party because Alana insisted, saying she wanted Uncle Cody there, he had spent the duration of the time trying to avoid her. Sometimes he felt like the guilt would devour him alive. Ted didn't make it easier; he had been giving him the cold shoulder since he found out about him and taking Randy back
He knew that Randy was threatened by Evan. He wanted to say that there was nothing between him and Evan, that there has been nothing between them for a long time. They'd spent a weekend together, that's all, is seventy two hours enough to forge a relationship that would lead Cody to run to Evan's arms at a time of need? Regardless of how Randy felt Cody needed to see him to make sure that he was okay.
While Cody was packing preparing to leave his bags at the door, Randy had came up behind him, encircled Cody's waist turning his face to kiss him. It was a hard, brutal kiss, Randy shoving his tongue in Cody's mouth, bruising him with its force. Cody thought that maybe Randy believed that he was leaving him for good. When he left Randy stood at the centre of the room, his hands by his side, and Cody thought he looked so defeated.
He had parked outside the B&B in which he would be staying at, debating whether he should go and see Evan again. Their last encounter, three days earlier, had been a disappointment. Evan was angry and spiteful and Cody felt guilty that his actions had lead Evan to a life drugs and bitterness. If only he hadn't fucked Evan then betrayed him by calling Randy's name during sex, maybe Evan's eyes would still be bright and carefree, full of life, not shadowed and haunted.
He wanted to see the Evan he knew, the one who had kissed him gently and held him after. The Evan who's laughter was contagious. He started the car. He needed to see him one more time before he left.
In no time he was at the familiar street, driving slower than he wanted in account of the rain. People drove like idiots when it was raining. Cody parked the car and made his way to Evan's apartment when he arrived at Evan's door it was ajar. Cody felt alarmed when he saw a grocery bag on the floor alongside a carton of spilt milk. The room was a mess and Evan was nowhere to be seen. Cody threaded his way carefully looking into the kitchen, no sign of Evan. He picked a knife from the knife rack-just in case. There were a lot of loonies in the WWE. Maybe some crazed fan had broken in to see Evan, maybe there had been a scuffle. Cody tensed and tried to dismiss any thoughts of Evan being hurt.
He made his way around to the living room noticing two sets of milky footprints heading towards a corner. He followed them until they disappeared at the foot of the stairs. Cody treaded carefully up the steps worried they would creak under his weight but they didn't. As he soon he got to the top he saw them.
They were on the floor a few feet from the top of the stairs, Cody saw feet first, Evan's feet, then he saw Evan's head slowly bobbing up and down. Then he saw a separate pair of feet, male, clad in sneakers. A hand rested on the back of Evan's head, guiding him as he sucked on whoever's cock. Cody noticed the chipped black nail varnish on the fingernails. He could hear moaning-No, he thought to himself, it couldn't be. At that moment the person whom Evan was sucking off moved, leaving him free to see them.
It was Jeff Hardy.
Cody dropped the knife, startling Evan and Jeff who looked up at him from the floor. He stumbled backwards, "I'm sorry, um, I thought, um-"
He tripped backwards on the stairs.
**
Three hours before Cody stumbled on him and Jeff, Evan decided to go grocery shopping. There wasn't anything in the house, which made him weighed his options. He could either make another stale single serving microwave meal or he could shower, dress and make his way to grocery store and pick up some supplies and cook himself a proper home meal.
He couldn't remember the last time he had ventured outside, he felt like he had been holed up in his apartment for months instead of the week that it actually was. Once he showered, shaved and got dressed he was feeling more upbeat than he had for weeks and when he was in his car he sang along to the song playing on the radio.
He even thought about going to the gym and getting a good workout. He loved to exercise and push his body but recently he had been so involved with Jeff and his own spiralling career that he hadn't been training as vigorously as he should be. When he pulled up into the parking lot he and silently made a promise to himself to hit the gym and get into fighting form so that he would be agile and in great physical condition when he returned to Smackdown. Besides, he would be under severe scrutiny so he had to ensure he could take whatever form of punishment they would throw at him.
He spent about fifteen minutes at the grocery shop picking up items he needed. It was getting dark out by the time he loaded the items into his trunk. He weaved his way through the evening traffic and by the time he arrived at his apartment street it had started to rain quite hard so he rushed up the steps balancing the groceries on his hip and trying to avoid getting drenched. Once inside the building complex he climbed the flight of stairs that lead to his apartment, pausing when he saw a figure standing by the door smoking. His heart immediately lurched in his chest. He took a tentative step towards the door, he might be wrong, was it-
"Jeff." He said.
Jeff looked over at him, dropping the cigarette to the floor, stomping it out with the heel of his sneakers. Evan still had his keys in his hands, and with trembling hands he opened his front door, Jeff followed him. Evan wasn't even sure whether he closed the door after him-he didn't care. He pulled Jeff to him, dropping the grocery bags to the floor. He heard the thud of the bags as they fell. He kissed him as hard as he could. Trying to convey to Jeff how much he had missed him, how much it hurt him to not have him close, to touch, to hold. To kiss in the manner he was doing right now. Jeff kissed him back, his stubble scratching his chin, but he didn't care.
He pushed Jeff against the wall. He had never felt such desperation in his life. He believed he had been in love once but it didn't compare-not even remotely close- to how he felt right now. Jeff was seared into his flesh and even though he kept Swanton Bombing all over Evan's heart it would stay that way.
He felt moisture seep into his shoes. Something must have spilt from his groceries probably the milk carton. He pulled away from Jeff to look at him. He looked tired with the dark circles beneath his eyes, they weren't dilated but Evan didn't need to see that to know Jeff wasn't on something. Jeff was here, alcohol and drug free for him. He lifted Jeff's hands and looked at them. The nails on most of Jeff's fingers were bitten down, the skin of the nail bed exposed, irritated and bleeding. Evan brought the hand to his face and kissed first the palms, then each finger. Jeff closed his eyes. Evan leaned in and kissed the dark bruised skin beneath Jeff's left eye, then the right eye. He kissed Jeff's forehead. They stood like that for a moment. Evan couldn't describe what he felt it was a sense that everything could be alright, that Jeff was here. Not in Las Vegas where he should be, but here, in this cold apartment, in his arms and that maybe they would never ever have to fear the night sky of fault or a
ddiction or empty faith. They were here, like graffiti on subway trains, Katie was here, Ben was here. Jeff and Evan were here.
Jeff and Evan were still standing.
Evan loosened his death grip on Jeff's hands. He let his arms fall to his side still not wanting to let go. Jeff looked at him.
"Evan." That was he said and it was his tone that said it all. Evan had felt it in his embrace, they were both hard. The desire and want in Jeff's voice brought back the earlier desperation he had felt. Emboldened Evan grabbed Jeff by his belt buckle and began to tug, leading Jeff to the stairs that lead up to the bedroom. They had made about two steps when Jeff reached and grabbed Evan by the neck and kissed him. He moved his mouth down his neck and began sucking at his throat and Evan knew it probably would leave a mark and he wanted it to leave a mark. Evan reached for Jeff's zip and undid it, reaching in to fondle him through his underwear. They were now trying to climb the steps blindly. Evan gave up trying to get up the stairs and settled on the steps, letting Jeff take charge. Jeff climbed on top of him, using the top step for leverage. He undid Evan's buckle and pulled down the front of Evan's jeans fondling Evan's hard cock. Evan moaned, moving his leg to allow Jeff easier access. He wanted th
is happen on his bed so after Jeff had jerked him off for a moment he began to move, pulling Jeff along with him.
This time they managed to reach the top of the stairs before Jeff dragged him to the floor. Evan landed on top of him, he kissed his way down Jeff's chest, which he had exposed by pulling his shirt up. He paused to dip his tongue in Jeff's navel, feeling the cool metal of the piercing. He licked his way down Jeff's midriff and began to suck on his cock. They had been at it barely at it when he heard a familiar voice behind them. He stopped what he was doing to see who it was. It was Cody, at the top of the stairs looking very shocked and bewildered. Cody dropped the knife he was holding and stammered something before falling backwards down the stairs.
**
By the time Rhodes came to Jeff's buzz was gone. Having to haul Rhodes unconscious ass from the floor to the couch then preparing an ice pack for the bruise forming at the back of his head along with negotiating with Evan that there was no need to call an ambulance as he was pretty certain that Rhodes would be okay had killed whatever buzz he had going on. Jeff had had a few falls in his life and he knew the signs of a serious one. He convinced Evan that Rho- that Cody (as Evan insisted Jeff should call him), would be okay in no time. But the Legacy loser wouldn't come to. So while Evan had tended to him Jeff rummaged around for smelling salts or anything pungent enough to bring Cody back to the land of the living.
He was in the kitchen opening another drawer when he heard Evan call out that Cody was awake so he made his way to the living room. Cody couldn't have taken any longer, fluttering his Maybelline lashes, and then opening his eyes slowly. Cody blinked a few times looking at Evan who was holding the ice pack to his heard.
"Cody, do you know what happened?" Evan asked.
Jeff rolled his eyes. This could be scene right out of the Guiding Light, Cody would probably say something like, 'Evan, is that you. Is that really you?' But he didn't. Cody tried to get up, wincing at whatever pain that rushed through him.
"Don't move. You could have broken something," Evan said. "Maybe we shouldn't have moved him"
This was directed at Jeff. Cody probably hadn't been aware that there was another person in the room because he quickly looked in Jeff's direction.
"He's fine." Jeff said, "Aren't you?"
Cody nodded. "I needed to see you." This was directed at Evan.
Evan glanced at Jeff. Whatever Cody had to say he didn't want Jeff to hear. Not that Jeff needed to hear a whole lot more than what he had just witnessed. They were close, it was apparent from the way Evan had been so quick to jump to Cody's side. They had been lovers, sometime in the past which was interesting since Jeff never would have guessed Cody was into guys. What with his womanising. There was the famous tale of how Cody had seduced some new Diva in an elevator. The security tape of the incidence had made its way through the locker room, gaining respect for Rhodes as a serious player. Orgies and threesomes with Russian twins had been rumoured to be part of his extracurricular activities. But then again Jeff would never have guessed about Evan either. Now look at the three of them, three fucking peas in a fucked up pod.
"I wanted to apologise about-" Cody was saying.
"I know Cody," Evan intercepted, "That's all in the past. When you came to see me last, I was upset about, um, something else and I took it out on you."
Cody glanced at Jeff as the wheels turned in his Tommy Hilfiger modalisque head of his. He was putting two and two together and getting five.
"Jeff, could I please speak to Evan alone." Cody said. Jeff nodded and made his way to the kitchen.
He had barely made his way to the door when he heard the boy wonder hiss, "You're fucking Jeff Hardy."
He heard Evan mumble something and Cody reply, "I will not lower my voice. I don't care if he hears." Jeff leaned against the kitchen counter and waited for the speech. They all gave it, the parents, friends, siblings of his dates. You shouldn't date Jeff Hardy, he's trouble. He's bad for you. Jeff got it, he was second-hand smoke. He was bad for the people around him.
He was poison.
Now he would wait for Evan to get the same speech.
"He has questionable associates. You should hear what they say about him." Evan's reply was muffled. He was obviously trying to keep his voice low so Jeff wouldn't hear.
"Now it makes sense, he's been feeding you drugs." There was rummaging, "Now I know why you failed the drug tests, it's because of him."
Jeff couldn't stand it anymore. He made his way back to the living room. "If you have something to say Rhodes why don't you just say it to my face?"
Cody looked at him with disdain, well it was mutual. "It isn't enough that you have to fuck up your own career you have to bring Evan down with you."
"He didn't-"
Jeff cut whatever retort Evan was going to make, "I care about Evan."
"I'll call Barbara and John," Cody was now talking to Evan, "they'll know what to do."
"Please don't. My dad is worried enough already." Evan replied.
"I guess you haven't brought Jeff over for dinner," Cody said, "Oh, if you didn't know Barbara and John are Evan's parents."
Jeff looked at Evan, "Oh, so you've met the parents?"
"Yeah, something you probably haven't," Cody said, "Because Evan knows that this," Cody gestured between Evan and Jeff, "isn't going anywhere."
"Fuck off, Rhodes. You don't know anything."
Cody sat up, "I know you are worthless drug using joke. The reason they ever cheer for you Jeff, is because they are waiting for you to crash."
Jeff lunged at Cody, Evan got between them. "Cody, can you just leave. Call a cab if you feel dizzy, but just leave."
Cody looked at Evan, "I'm not leaving."
"Just GO!" Evan was shouting. This caught Cody's attention as well as Jeff's. Evan hardly ever raised his voice.
Cody raised his hands as if he was saying 'I tried', then got up walking over the congealing milk on the floor. He paused at the door to say, "I'm not done. Evan you'll be hearing from me."
Evan sat down at the couch. Jeff sat down beside him.
"I'm sorry about what Cody said," Evan said.
"You don't need to apologise for that loser." Jeff reached for Evan's hand. "He's probably jealous."
"Cody and I-"
"You don't need to explain." Jeff said.
Evan let go of Jeff's hand and paced the room. "I'm so tired of it all. I need to get away."
Jeff studied the pattern the milk was making as it dried on the floor. They should probably pick up the food and refrigerate any the items that were salvageable. Evan would probably ask him to leave; he would do it gently saying that he needed space, room to breathe. He needed to get away from the toxicity that was Jeff Hardy. And Jeff couldn't blame him. They should probably develop a vaccine for the type of mayhem he brought to people's lives, first his mom, then Beth now Evan.
Evan sat down, "We need to get away, and" he was speaking quickly, "My family owns this lake house that is in the middle of nowhere if we leave now we can be there in four hours."
Jeff looked at him, incredulous. "You want to go away with me?"
"Yes." Evan smiled.
"Let's hit the road." Jeff replied.
Matt had come to the conclusion that the only way he could ever save Jeff was to stop him from wrestling forever. As long as Jeff was wrestling and injuring himself he would always have an excuse for taking drugs. Jeff would say he was in pain and that he needed the painkillers, and the more painkillers the better. Then he would say that the pot made his back ache less and that line cocaine took his mind off the stress of travelling so much. Those were the countless excuses that Matt had heard from his brother over the years. If Matt took wrestling out of the equation, he would have no longer have an excuse for his addiction and then he would finally get the help he needed.
Matt had always hoped that Jeff would get off the drugs on his own accord but the chances of that occurring were nil. So being a logical man, Matt had weighed the options in terms of variables. So he evaluated several probable situations that could lead to Jeff quitting wrestling.
There was the probability of him injuring himself in a fall. This possible situation was the one that Matt had calculated to having the highest probability of occurring. One might even say he banked on it. When he compared the mean average of Jeff's injuries to the amount of falls over the years of his professional wrestling career, he knew then that the likelihood of Jeff retiring from a fall was slim to nil.
Then there was also the probability of him failing another drug test. Jeff had two strikes, one more strike and he was out of the WWE forever. Leaving him free to go to rehab and get off the drugs. Matt had always believed that this was the quickest and most efficient solution. In California he had visited Jeff and when he was properly satisfied that his bother was on some controlled substance or another he made the call to the staff at the Wellness program. Setting the ball rolling had been so easy. He had told them that he was Jeff's brother and he was very concerned about his brother's health, his wellbeing. This concern had been so great that he had to inform them that he thought his brother was back on drugs again and he was, well, very concerned about Jeff's health. And Matt had left the rest in their-what he had thought would be capable hands.
He was dead wrong. That hadn't happened, Jeff had managed to pass the test and Matt wasn't sure how he had done it. He probably had a guy in the program that who helped him, or he had manage to clean his bladder out with saline fluid like Christian Bale's creepy character in that film Harsh Times. However Jeff did it, it had proved to Matt that the probability of Jeff failing a drug test weren't as high as they should be.
So Matt had to deviate from this plan. He sat down and thought up of another way that would ensure that Jeff was banned from wrestling forever, a plan that extended beyond the Wellness program. And when it came to him it was so sensible, so obvious that he smiled a cold, hard smile. Of course, why hadn't he seen this before?
**
If New York was the city that never sleeps then Las Vegas was the city that didn't have even a bedroom. Or if it did then it used it for bad things. This city should have been called Lost Vice because it catered openly for every human vice.
Randy was sitting in hotel room staring at the phone. He wasn't trying to will it to ring neither was he expecting a call. He was staring at the phone because he was tired of staring at the ceiling.
His only vice was hundreds of miles away in Missouri.
Cody had now been in Missouri for exactly three days. When he left he had incited reasons about having to check up on his former lover because Evan was a good guy in a bad situation. Randy couldn't have cared less about whatever problems Bourne was facing. All he wanted to know was why it was Cody's first instinct to run to Bourne's side, but he couldn't ask Cody. A part of him knew if he asked; he wouldn't like the answer.
In the past Randy had played in his head all the possible scenarios of him finally dealing with Bourne. In most of them Bourne either ended up on hospital bed or fired from the company. But he knew that if he did anything to hurt Bourne, Cody would never forgive him that would be the finally straw. So instead he had pulled some strings and he had Bourne traded to Smackdown, away from him? away from Cody.
Randy thought he had handled the situation.
But Bourne got himself in trouble at Smackdown putting himself back on Cody's radar. He didn't like Cody's loyalty towards Bourne, like how he was willing to jump to a plane, on the spur of the moment. Fly across countless states to get Bourne's side even when he knows that the last time he and Bourne had been together, Randy had basically gone berserk when he found out about it.
They never discussed what happened and Randy knew that he could never atone for his actions that day. He felt like no matter how much he apologised and Cody claims to forgive him, that he wasn't entirely forgiven. Maybe Cody had been secretly seething all those months, scheming beneath the kisses, smiles and the sex. Patiently waiting for the day he would drive a dagger into Randy's heart.
Or maybe he was being paranoid.
Randy got up and walked to the window, looking out to the brightly lit city. He pressed his temple to the glass, to tired to think, too exhausted to sleep; he stood there staring out to the thrumming night life.
**
Despite Jeff's offer to drive Evan refused. He said that he wanted them to get where they were going in one piece. He knew that Jeff had the tendency to drive above the speed limit. The last thing they needed was to be stopped for a speeding ticket. Apparently satisfied to let Evan take charge Jeff relaxed in the seat next to him, his eyes closed, with Evan glancing at him every now and then.
As if sensing his gaze on him, Jeff spoke without opening his eyes. "How much further till we get there?" he asked.
"Not long," he replied. They drove in silence, Evan peering out of the windshield to quiet road they were driving on. The entire encounter with Cody had just reminded him that he needed to get away for a while. Get away from the rat race to somewhere he felt at home. A part of Evan realised that the last time he had been to the family lake house it had been with Cody. The time when they had made love and-Evan actually hated the phrase 'making love', it reminded of the soap operas his mother watched when he was growing up. But what had transpired between Cody and him had felt just like that. But whatever it was between them had ended before it even started.
He didn't know how Jeff would feel if he knew that they were heading to a place that was frequented by the ghost of the brief relationship that he had had with another guy. Maybe he would be angry, be jealous. But a part of him felt that Jeff wouldn't care, that he would say that it was now a place where they could make new, even better memories. So he kept on driving, still occasionally glancing at Jeff.
**
He must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knew Evan was waking him up to tell him that they had arrived at their destination. He groggily opened his eyes and looked around taking in his surroundings. He couldn't see much as it was dark. The gravel road that they were parked was only lit by the car's headlights. He couldn't see any other lights in the near distance. It felt like they were in the middle of nowhere and he was just fine with that.
"So this has been your great plan all along," Jeff said as he got out of the car, "To get me to a secluded location and leave it to the local authorities to identify my mutilated remains ten years from now."
Evan laughed a he opened the trunk taking out the items that they had grabbed before they left his apartment. They walked up towards the house their steps crunching in the gravel. Somewhere in the grove of darkness something made a sound. Jeff glanced at Evan.
"It's probably a small rodent," Evan took his keys out and opened the front door. Once they were inside he felt for the light and switched it on. Jeff looked around thinking how the place was very nice. On account of the limber walls, the taxidermy on the wall and the fireplace he thought the place had a bit of a cabin feel. Evan placed the parcels on the table on corner and immediately began to get at work trying to light the fireplace.
"I think it's going to rain," he said as he placed wood in the fire place, "There's no central heating so we will have to rely on this old thing to keep us warm."
Jeff nodded and he sat on the floor beside Evan who was focused on his task of getting the fire going. Jeff didn't know if it was because they were so far from where they usually where or if he was feeling complacent over the mess he had made of things but for the first time in what felt a long time he looked at Evan. He really looked at him noticing the way Evan's hair clung to his face, the shape of his eyes, the way they glowed reflecting the fire, Jeff drank this all in and when Evan placed the prong aside Jeff immediately kissed him.
He kissed Evan with all the desperation and anxiety he has ever felt in his life. It all balled into a tide of emotion that exploded like volcanic lava. He couldn't keep it in anymore. He needed to get closer to Evan. He needed to get closer than he had ever been before. To have Evan's being, his spirit engrained onto his. To have Evan become part of him like the tattoos he wore on his skin. The devil's hand on his neck, to not fear the sky, to not have to feel so fucked up like he didn't have anything worth getting up for. Jeff wanted to hold on to something. He needed Evan to absolve him of his demons, of his sins.
He pushed Evan onto his back, clawing at the shirt he wore. Jeff pulled it off, pausing to glance at Evan's exposed skin. He kissed Evan him as he pushed him against the floor. Raking his teeth against Evan's lips then shoving his tongue into his mouth, trying to climb inside Evan. Realising that he needed more than this, that he wanted the clothes out of the way. Jeff got to his knees pulling his own shirt up kicking off his sneakers. Evan began to unbuckle Jeff's belt. He unzipped Evan's jeans and tugged them off along with his underwear. Evan assisted him by lifting his pelvis from the floor to allow Jeff to pull them off.
Jeff pulled off his own underwear. Naked at last he lowered himself on top of Evan, feeling their cock's brush against each other. It felt good like it always did. But this time he knew that he wanted more than that. He needed more. He wasn't sure if Evan felt the same. Once Evan had asked but Jeff, too full of his own bullshit, had refused. Now there he was, the tables reversed and he was the one trembling. He was the one needing, yet unable to ask.
**
Evan could feel that something was wrong. Jeff had stopped moving on top of him. He was now still, clinging onto him like lifeboat at sea. With his head on Evan's neck, mouthing something that he couldn't quite make out. Jeff was shivering like he was cold; Evan cupped his face, lifting his head to look at him.
"Please," Jeff whispered, his eyes a dark bottomless ocean of emotion.
That was all he had to say. Evan kissed him on the lips then sitting up to shift Jeff off him. He went to the gym bag that he had brought along with him to the lake house. He pulled on the side zip, reached in and took out what he was looking for. He had taken the lube and condoms because he knew that this would happen. That he and Jeff would finally be together like the way he had always wanted. A part of him wanted to throw the condoms aside. He wanted to have nothing between them, to feel Jeff cock inside him, to feel Jeff's come when Jeff climaxed. He had never had bareback sex in his life. He had never wanted to before, he knew the risks involved. His first real boyfriend, Travis, had a kink for bareback porn. The more he had watched the skin flicks with guys having sex with various other guys without condoms the more he wanted for him and Evan to have raw sex. Evan eventually broke up with him over the issue. He'd always been adamant, safe sex or no sex but here he was contemplating on having raw sex wi
th Jeff. The reasonable side of him won and he returned back to the floor to Jeff with the lube and condoms. Jeff looked at him and Evan worried Jeff would back out from and whatever that made him say no the first time would return that he would change his mind again.
"I'm not sure what to do," he said running his hand over his hair "Evan, I've never been with another a guy before."
"I'll guide you through it," Evan said. He got onto his back, feeling slightly self conscious with Jeff watching him. "I'm going to lube myself up for you."
Evan spread the lube onto his fingers closing his eyes to avoid eye contact with Jeff. He felt exposed, lying there, naked with Jeff's eyes on him. It was daunting yet exciting at the same time. Rubbing the lube onto his fingers to heat it up he then used his index finger to spread the lube onto himself. His eyes still closed he used first one finger, then another spreading the lube. He sometimes did this while jerking off, fantasizing about Jeff fucking him hard over the couch. He wondered what Jeff fantasized about when he masturbated.
The sound of Jeff breaking the seal of the condom caused him to open his eyes. Jeff put the condom on, and then he gave his cock a few strokes while looking at Evan. He scooted to allow Jeff some space between his legs.
"You have to put some lube on your cock," he said. He poured some more onto his palm then he massaged it on from the base to the head of Jeff's cock. He got onto his back spreading his legs; allowing Jeff to ease himself gently into him. He closed his eyes, feeling the familiar sting, the burn of a cock entering him. It had been such a long time, and as the heat of Jeff's cock filled him he knew it wouldn't take much to push him over the edge tonight. Jeff began to fuck in a steady slow pace. Evan reached his hands down to cupped Jeff's ass, gripping him and pulling him deeper to him.
"Oh god, Jeff, harder," he said moaned. He wanted, needed Jeff to fuck him harder and when he picked up the pace Evan moved his hand between their stomachs and tugged at his dick, jerking it off to each thrust. He wanted to savour this moment for as long as he could but he knew that he would come any minute and when Jeff leaned in and kissed him, flicking his tongue against Evan's mimicking the thrusts of his cock with his tongue, fucking Evan's mouth with his tongue He couldn't hold back. He came, his moan trapped by Jeff's tongue. Hot come jutting between their stomachs, the intensity of his orgasm was so great he felt like he couldn't stop shaking. Jeff kept thrusting few more times, before he also came.
After his breathing returned to normal he crawled off him to remove the condom. When he returned to the floor, Evan cradled Jeff's head on his shoulder, letting Jeff's weight cover him like a blanket. When he thought Jeff had fallen a sleep he whispered the words that had resonated in his heart for the longest time.
Then feeling complete he fell asleep.
**
Figures are meaningless without facts and right now all Matt had were facts. Jeff was on drugs- True or False. That was easy, true. Had Jeff been on drugs the evening before the drug test? Also True. But Jeff had passed the drug test. Now that was the part Matt did not get. There was no way Jeff could have passed the test. There had to have been someone who helped him either to change the results or to rig the actual test. He would have to find the missing link connect the dots and then come to a conclusion.
His first step was to evaluate the Wellness program staff, Dr Perry had been overlooking the testing when they had been in California. After making a few calls he obtained the testing schedule. After performing an audit on the details he knew that five superstars had been tested that morning: Phil Brooks, Mike Mizanin, Ted DiBiase, Evan Bourne and his beloved brother Jeff. He stared at the names.
Looking at the times they had been tested Jeff and Bourne were the closest. Matt circled Evan's name. He remembered the day before the test when he had visited Jeff's room Evan had been there, Evan who tested alongside Jeff. Evan Bourne the very same guy who had failed the test, despite never having had so much as an incident in his career.
Figures were nothing without facts, and facts said that Evan Bourne had been the ideal superstar throughout his career. He didn't even smoke, but after hanging out with his brother Evan Bourne had failed a drug test. Now there were no such things as coincidences. Matt circled Evan's name again.
**
From the moment his plane landed in Las Vegas, Nevada, Cody could only think about one thing. Throughout the process of acquiring his luggage, getting a cab and making his way back to the hotel room all he could think about was Jeff and Evan. How they were now together. How it made absolutely no sense at all for Evan to even be with a guy like Jeff. By the time he knocked on Randy's door he was fumigating.
"Cody." Randy said as he opened the door. "I didn't know you would be coming back today."
He barely heard him as he made his way into the room. He shoved his overnight suitcase aside and took a seat. Randy sat next to him.
"Is something wrong?" He asked.
"He's is fucking Jeff." Cody said bleakly. He had to share the news with someone else, either wise it would consume him like a cancer. He glanced at Randy whose face didn't betray any emotion.
"Jeff? Jeff Hardy?"
"Yes."
"That explains a lot," Randy said, "My dad used to say if you lay down with dogs you're bound to pick up fleas."
Cody didn't reply. He sat dejectedly on the couch thinking that there was no way of talking sense into Evan. The more he had tried to warn Evan about Jeff the more Evan had distanced himself from him. But then again what did he expect? He had hurt Evan once, barely kept contact with him during the last few months. Jeff probably had been there, feeding off Evan like a leopard feeds of a gazelle. Jeff had dragged Evan down with him to his sordid world and there wasn't a fucking thing that he could do about it.
"So you saw Jeff with Evan in Missouri?"
Cody nodded, "I saw them together." He said pulling a face.
"Are you going to tell Matt?"
"Matt?"
"Jeff's brother," Randy said, "He was asking about him the other day. He said that the reason he was asking me is because I'm your friend and he noticed that apart from Jeff you were the only other person who flew to Missouri recently he wanted to know if you were visiting Evan."
Cody contemplated the information, "Do you think he knows about Evan and Jeff?"
"He must at least suspect something."
He was silent for moment thinking; maybe Matt Hardy could help him. If Matt was looking for his brother he could tell him where to find Jeff and maybe Matt could keep him away from Evan.
**
It was still dark out with rain hitting the window. Evan awoke feeling cold, the fire had died and Jeff was asleep next to him. Evan shook him awake.
"Let's get into bed or we'll die of hypothermia here," Evan whispered. Jeff got up groggily and Evan led him to the bedroom. They pulled the duvet aside and got into bed, the sheets were cold and Jeff released a hiss when he slid into bed. Evan smiled in the dark and pulled him close, rubbing his hands up and down Jeff's side, this lead to Jeff kissing him softly. They pulled the duvet over their heads and in the cocoon of the bed they traced each other's lips with small soft kisses. Soon the bed was warm and Evan draped his arm over Jeff's side and fell asleep to the sound of rain on the ceiling.
**
When he woke up he reached for Jeff to find nothing but a blank space. He felt around until his hand made contact with what felt like a sheet paper. Evan opened his eyes, the sun streamed in through the window temporarily blinding him. He brought the paper to his face and read it. It was Jeff's handwriting, there was nothing else written on the paper except one word, the word 'sorry'.
Sorry.
What did it mean? Where was Jeff? Evan got up, quickly putting on his clothes, shouting out Jeff's name. He ran to living room and out the front door. The car was still there, Jeff couldn't have left. Running back into the house leaving prints of mud to cake on the floor like blood Evan looked around, he returned to the room. Jeff's sneakers where still there laying on the floor. Evan looked at the bathroom door, it was closed. Last night when they had gotten into bed it had been open. He remembered the mirror reflecting the wardrobe creepily.
Evan opened the door.
He first saw pills on the floor. Every kind of colour you could imagine, pills on the floor. There were empty bottles lying next to them. Now panicking with his heart pounding hard in his chest Evan stepped closer, he saw Jeff passed on the bathroom floor.
When Jeff awoke that morning the first thing he saw was Evan. Somehow during the night they had moved around to the point where they now faced one another. He thought about all the mornings of his life, how many of them he usually woke up with a throbbing temple and little recollection of the activities of the prior night. Most mornings after he had fucked someone he usually couldn't wait to get away from the girl. How the sight of her face and the curves of her now obviously fake looking tits made him feel like throwing up. He hardly spent the night with his conquests; he always made his way back to Beth. This morning looking at Evan's peaceful face, he allowed himself to think about Beth for the first time. He could remember the first time he saw her; she had been in the audience of a wrestling match he was participating in. He was climbing the ropes and when he saw her he almost fell off, she had been so beautiful. He gave her a wink and performed his first Swanton Bomb ever.
That night after the show he saw her again but to his dismay she was on his brother's arms he found out that Matt had been dating Beth for a while. They had met at the college that Matt was attending. Over the next few months he had tried to fight his attraction to her, but it had been too strong. Then one day when Matt had been out of town he had gone over to the apartment that Matt shared with her. She opened the door wearing Matt's varsity t-shirt and nothing else. They fucked right there on the floor. Matt walked in on them, Jeff apologised but Matt didn't want to hear a word of it and he threw them both out. Over time he forgave Beth and when Jeff started to date her Matt said that he forgave him too. Somehow Jeff knew that he hadn't and from then on their relationship had never been the same.
In the time that he had been with Beth he realised that as much as he loved her he hated her as well. She was a living reminder of how he had betrayed his own brother, of how he had screwed up and how confused he was. Over the years he started to think that he hated Beth more than he loved her yet he couldn't bring himself to end things with her. He lied to her, cheated on her and once he had even hit her. Yet she stayed, willing to believe that he loved her. And somehow he made himself believe that somewhere beneath his spleen that he did love her that she was his true love and they were Kurt and Courtney, Sid and Nancy. She had to be; otherwise it would have meant that he had destroyed his relationship with his brother for nothing. What would all of this have been for?
The more he had allowed himself to about Evan the more he betrayed Beth and he couldn't look at her anymore. He hadn't spoken to her in months and he knew that she was destroyed a little bit more each day that passed and there he was doing the same thing to Evan.
He was a disease. His mother had died because of him, he had destroyed Beth and Matt's relationship and now he had fucked Evan. Why did he keep hurting the people closest to him?
The pills…
He had them in the backpack he had brought with him. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. The pills would do the job they would end all the pain and misery he brought onto the world. They would free Evan from having the burden of being loved by Jeff Hardy.
He got up, pulled on jeans and a t-shirt he found crumpled on the floor. He walked to the living room, opened the backpack and took the pills out. He wasn't sure what they were for. He had stolen them out of a friend's bathroom cabinet. If he had to guess he would say they were probably painkillers and sleeping pills. Good stuff.
He lit a cigarette, took a drag and thought about leaving a note. What could he say? He noticed a notepad by the phone; he grabbed it and looked around for a pen. After finding it he continued to smoke, thinking for something he could say to Evan. There was ash building up at the end of his cigarette but there was no ashtray in sight. So he ended up at using a concave paperweight for an ashtray. He posed the pen then finally wrote: sorry.
He was sorry. He was sorry that Evan had ever met him. He was sorry he couldn't love Beth the way she deserved to be loved. He was sorry he hurt Matt by stealing her from him. He was sorry his mother died while going to buy him a stupid bike. He was sorry he had disappointed everyone. He butted the cigarette out.
He went to the bedroom to place the note next to Evan pausing to place a kiss on his temple. And he was sorry that he couldn't tell Evan that he loved him. Jeff took the pills to the bathroom. He sat down on the floor and emptied the bottles on the floor. He didn't have to worry about bacteria or germs now that he was soon to be dead. He counted them. There were over a hundred pills on the floor. He took the glass he brought with him and filled it with water. Jeff grabbed a handful of pills and swallowed. He grabbed another handful, for good measure, and swallowed them down.
He laid down on the floor feeling the cold bleed onto his back wondering if dying would be just like falling asleep.
**
When Matt received the call from Randy Orton that his brother was Missouri with Evan Bourne he wasn't as shocked as he thought he would be. Over the years Matt had long stopped underestimating the depths of depravity that Jeff could sink to. The news only made him more eager than ever to proceed with his plan of getting rid of Jeff once and for all.
Getting the drugs was easy. He contacted a few guys that hanged out with Jeff, telling that Jeff was in a bad way. That he really needed a fix, so Matt was getting it for him. Once he deposited the cash in the dealers' accounts he gave them various locations to leave the drugs for him. All the locations were in and around Raleigh, North Carolina. He contacted five dealers in total making sure to order equal amounts from all of the dealers. The combined amount of drugs were substantial.
Once that was done, Matt booked a flight to North Carolina. On his way there he called Beth and asked her for the spare key of the house she shared with Jeff. He knew that she still had it. As she always hanged onto it in case Jeff changed his mind and they got back together like they always did in the past. At first she was reluctant but when Matt said it was Jeff's for sake she agreed to drop off the key under the mat of the house. When he arrived in North Carolina Matt went to the locations where the drug dealers had dropped off the drugs. When he had collected all the dope he went to Jeff's house. Making sure he had gloves on Matt took the key, opened the house and placed the packages in Jeff's bedroom. He also placed a few syringes and elastic bands alongside the drugs. Satisfied he had left no trace of himself he locked the house and returned the spare key beneath the rug. Once he was at his own home Matt would make an anonymous call to the City's finest.
**
Evan rushed to Jeff's side, feeling the pills being crushed by his feet. He dropped to his knees beside Jeff and held his head up.
"Jeff, Jeff," he said, Jeff didn't open his eyes. He felt for a pulse and he found a weak one. "Jeff, what did you take?"
Jeff opened his eyes but they were unfocused, staring off into the far distance. Evan felt himself start to panic, he had to get help, and he had to call an ambulance. As he was about to let him go, he felt his hand grab his weakly.
"Don't call…an ambulance," Jeff said. Evan had to lower his head to hear what he was saying.
"You don't want me to call an ambulance?" Evan asked,
Jeff nodded.
"I have to, you could die."
"Third strike," he said.
Evan couldn't believe what he was hearing; Jeff was talking about getting a third strike-a third fucking strike! It didn't make sense, what good would it do, if he avoided a third strike and was dead? He could always get another job, but his life was irreplaceable. He started to get up, but Jeff's hand gripped him harder.
"Please," Jeff said. This was the second time he had asked him for something, the second time he had said please. Evan paused, he had to do something. Besides even if he did call for help, they were a very long distance from any hospital. He would have to help him here by himself.
"I won't." He replied, he sprung to action picking up the glass of water beside Jeff and filling it with water. "Drink this, try to swallow as much as you can."
Jeff followed his instructions and drank the water down. Evan went to the basin and grabbed a toothbrush from a glass then he helped him up, bent him over the bath tub and proceeded to put his toothbrush into Jeff's mouth, pushing it until he hit the back of his throat. Jeff gagged then vomited, Evan pulled his hair back, then pushed his toothbrush into his mouth again, once again he vomited.
He was panting, the exertion of holding Jeff up combined with the adrenaline of panic making his heart thud hard in his chest. He helped Jeff down; Jeff sat on the floor with his back leaning on the back of the bath tub. Evan held the glass to Jeff's lips once more, practically forcing him to drink the water. He took a few sips, and then Evan repeated the process again helping him to throw up until he heaved and nothing but a clear substance came out. Jeff was becoming heavy and Evan was afraid that they hadn't expelled all the pills, he was afraid if Jeff closed his eyes and passed out he might slip into a coma or worse. But there was nothing else left to do, they settled on the floor, with the smell of vomit thick in the air, Jeff's head on his lap, him leaning against the bath tub, stroking his hair.
He closed his eyes and began to pray silently.
**
When Jeff finally came to he realised that his throat was sore. He could taste vomit in his mouth and he was embarrassed to admit to himself that this was not the first time in his life that he woke up with that taste in his mouth. His head was lying on someone's lap, he could feel the warmth of their legs beneath him. He opened his eyes and saw Evan.
"Evan." Jeff said. Evan opened his eyes and looked down at him. Jeff could see that Evan had been crying, his eyes were red rimmed and his noise was runny.
"You're okay?" He asked. Jeff nodded, grimacing slightly when Evan leaned in to kiss him. He didn't want Evan here, seeing him like this. Probably realising for the first time how worthless he really was.
Evan helped him to his feet and Jeff noticed the crushed pills on the floor and the vomit crusted bath tub.
"Evan, I'm so sorry." He said, "I don't know what came over me."
Evan was silent his back turned to him, and when he turned around he saw that he was crying again. He stepped forward-
"Don't! Don't you dare touch me," Jeff froze, his hand still out reached. Seeing Evan recoil that way, seeing him upset like this cut a hole in his heart. "How could you do this to me? You wanted me to wake up after the night we made love to find your dead body on the bathroom floor?" Tears started to flow down his face, "How could you hurt me like this?"
Jeff opened and closed the hand that was still reaching out to him before pulling it back to his side, "I don't know."
Evan looked at him, "You need help."
He started to speak and then he went silent, he took a deep breath, "I need you."
"You had me and you threw me away. Get ready we're leaving. We're going back to St Louis and I never want to ever see you again." Evan walked out of the room.
**
The ride back to St Louis was quiet. It was still raining, the sky dark and murky with black clouds. Evan tried to stay composed, not glancing at Jeff once throughout the drive. He felt if he looked at Jeff his heart would simply break. If he ever lived to be a hundred years old he would never understand why he did what he did. He had so much to live for, he was blessed with a great career, he was talented yet he wanted to destroy himself. How could he think so little of himself? Why would he want him to wake up and find his lifeless body on the bathroom floor?
He had thought he had felt pain in his life but Jeff had illustrated to him that there was always just a little further to fall, a little further to crawl on his hands and knees through treacherous thorns and needles. No amount of hurt and betrayal could compare to what Jeff did to him. He could never forgive him.
It was a long drive but soon they drove past the 'Welcome to St Louis' sign. He glanced at Jeff who had spent the better part of the last hour staring outside the window. Despite himself Evan had enquired about his health an hour ago. Jeff replied that he fine, apart from a slight headache and a sore throat.
"Where do want me to drop you off?" Evan asked.
"Where do you want to drop me off?" Jeff said, still staring out of the window. He wasn't looking at anything as there was nothing to be seen with the rain condensed window.
"We know if it was up to you it would at nearest morgue," Evan said, "So how about I drop you off at the next bus stop and you can go to the nearest drug store purchase as much Tylenol and Xanax as they'll let you, check into a suitably sleazy motel and complete what you started this morning. Because, I really do not care what you do to yourself now. I'm done with you and your bullshit."
It was a lie. He did care but he was so tired of worrying about Jeff. He wanted to wake up in the morning and not think about him, wondering if he was okay, if he was happy or sad.
"You can drop me off at the next stop." He finally said.
Evan nodded and after a few traffic lights, he turned the corner and pulled up at a bus stop. Part of him wanted to ask Jeff if he had his wallet on him or some money to make a phone call but he didn't. He just sat there squaring his jaw staring right ahead as Jeff grabbed his back pack from the back seat and got out of the car.
"Thanks Evan." Jeff said.
Evan didn't reply and as soon as the door closed he took off driving at a pace slightly above the speed limit. It was still raining when he let himself into his apartment. Closing the door behind himself he leaned against it finding that he suddenly was exhausted. Fully clothed and slightly wet he was suddenly weak, he climbed into bed and pulled the duvet around him shivering like he could never be warm again.
They say that the first step of recovery is admitting that you have a problem. Jeff didn't consider himself to be an addict. He had always considered himself a user rather than an abuser and the only thing he abused was his body. Standing at the rainy bus stop watching people pass him by while pulling his hoodie over his head, hoping that no one would recognise him. Regardless of what he thought, his use of drugs had never brought anything positive to his life. They had threatened his career, jeopardised his life and most importantly they had screwed up his thinking to the point where he ran away from the one person who had showed him any consideration and understanding.
He had abused Evan, dragged him into his fucked up life and there he was, standing in the rain, cars hooting and passing him by, unable to move from the spot where Evan had dropped him off. A part of him hoped that Evan would come back. A even greater part of him wanted to start the day all over again and instead of getting out of bed and trying to OD he would pull Evan into his arms and shower him with kisses. Neither option had the chance of occurring. He shivered; the rain had seeped through the fabric of his hoodie and t-shirt soaking him. All his bad decisions and selfish actions had brought him to this moment. Some might say this was the pivotal moment; he could go back to booze, cocaine and Beth. Maybe he would be happy, travelling with the show, knocking back a few at night, maybe that could be enough.
Or he could change, book himself into a program, be honest to himself for maybe the first time in his life, beg for forgiveness from the person who had saved his life. Plead for another chance to show Evan that he could be uncomplicated. He could tell Evan that he loved him and it wouldn't be a lie. For he felt it in his heart and his soul. Jeff Hardy loved Evan Bourne.
That instant he allowed himself to feel it, to not question his emotions or allow the internal critic to tell him he was a fool for believing, the rain abated. He sat at the bus stop watching traffic pass, watching mothers with their children and watching the sun as it gradually came out. And it was if the sun was rising for the first time in a decade because he saw it and he felt it. Its warmth washed away his guilt and all the self loathing that he felt and it was as if there was someone there telling him that it would be all okay.
And he believed it.
**
It was all over the news. The minute Cody received confirmation from his manager he dialled Evan's number. The phone rang for a very long time, each time it did he grew more concerned. What if Evan had been so upset he- he wouldn't consider it, he was about to hang up when Evan finally answered.
"Hello?" Evan's voice sounded very groggy as if he had just woke up, Cody glanced at his wristwatch, it would be midday in St Louis.
"Hey Evan, it's Cody."
"Hi, how you doing?"
"Good. No concussion," he thought that Evan sounded okay despite the news. "I was calling to check up on you."
"I'm doing well," he said, "Taking it one day at a time. Oh, bad reference."
"So you're taking the news quite well." Cody said, "I was worried that you would be upset and blame yourself."
"Blame myself?"
"It's probably better this way," he continued, "Jeff would probably have-"
"What about Jeff? Did something happen to Jeff?"
Cody was quiet. "You mean you haven't heard?" He finally said.
"No. Did something happen to Jeff?" Evan sounded so anxious and he could have kicked himself. He thought Evan would have heard by now, it was all over the news. The internet and all the chat rooms forums were abuzz with it.
"Jeff was arrested for drug trafficking yesterday," he said, "His father posted bail this morning. Evan he's facing serious time."
"I don't believe it." Evan said "He called me last night. He told me that-" he paused and was quiet. "He sounded really sincere."
"It's not your-" but it was too late Evan had hung up and he was talking to nothing but static and dead air.
**
Matt sat in the dark watching Jeff being dragged away in hand cuffs. He'd seen the footage before, but he loved to rewind and fast forward sometimes slow motioning Jeff as he made the walk of shame. Beth had called this morning, crying, pleading with him to help Jeff. He had reassured her that he would do everything he could to help his brother. When he had said that he hadn't been lying, he did want to help his brother. He wanted to make sure Jeff learnt his lesson and exorcised his demons once and for all.
Maybe sitting in small cell for a couple of years would help him do so.
**
The night Jeff spent in jail he sat and contemplated who had set him up. The drugs in his home were planted and someone had made an anonymous tip to the police. He played out several scenarios in his head. Maybe Beth, furious over being dumped for the twenty third time in ten years had decided to seek revenge. Maybe some mentally unstable fan broke in and decided to leave him a demented present. There so many possibilities, maybe he had bought the drugs under the influence and he blanked it out. It wouldn't be the first time he had bought drugs the night before and couldn't remember the next morning. But it couldn't have been him; he hadn't been home for over two weeks. Beth or the maid who came in every Thursday would have seen the drugs during the time. It was a set up.
When the guard came and told him he had one call to make, Jeff got up and he was handcuffed. Once he got to the phone he dialled the number he didn't hesitate, the phone rang for a while and when the familiar voice answered Jeff said "I love you."
Then he hung up and allowed the guard to lead him back to his cell.
THE END.
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